Stress.

This is a bit of a depressing blog so if you still want to believe that I'm loving every minute you may not want to read this post.

After getting back from travelling we had around a week before our orientation started. We spent the whole week just relaxing, going to the beach, watching films, going out to our first discoteca (club) in Lima (5 months here and it was our first - crazy I know) and just generally doing things for ourselves. Hannah was still off working in Loki Lima so I spent the majority of the week with Laura and the other Americans.

Orientation week started on the Monday until the Friday where all of the staff in Ciudad had workshops with psychologists and groups that came in to work. Mon, Wed and Fri were actually really fun days where we did things like played a lot of games, in partners drew around each other, then filled in our bodies with things that represent us, we acted out scenes that could happen and how we would resolve them... e.g. I had to fight with Guillermina (the tutora in Familia San Martin) because she was playing whilst walking to the comedor and bumped into me, so I had to turn around and smack the shit out of her. It was great role play. The Tuesday wasn't quite so fun. It was our spiritual day which was run by the monks and was all about Jesus, God and their roles in the life of Ciudad. It also included 2 hours in church, with 40 minutes of that kneeling in silence praying to God. I don't think I've ever hated religion as much in my life as I did that day. And the whole thing about it being compulsory made me feel so forced into the religion that I literally went back to the flat after raging to Hannah who hadn't gone as she was ill. Thursday was a day about children's rights which was interesting for a while, then got boring as they started reading from the presentation screen. Thursday night was good though. We decided during dinner that me, Hannah, Laura and the hermanas from Sonrisa and San Antonio would all go watch a film together before the boys came back so we went to San Antonio with Elsa, Marisol, Flor, Doris and Sara and put some pillows and rugs on the floor and all sprawled out to watch Sister Act 2. It was really nice. The whole week was nice really, just in terms of actually getting to know the other tutors that work at Ciudad as you don't normally get to spend any time with the other tutors from other houses.

On Saturday the boys came. We started cleaning the house at 7am which for me meant weeding the whole patio where a rainforest had managed to grow over the holidays. At 10am the boys started arriving so I had the job of walking them from the registration area in the comedor to the house. It was generally alright apart from one boy who's mum didn't end up leaving until after lunch (2 hours after everyone else has left) as he was screaming, kicking walls and eventually tried to escape and ended up running all around ciudad. He's been an absolute little shit since arriving and seems to be trying to do everything he possibly can to get kicked out or just to go home. The hermanas don't think he'll end up staying as boys from previous years that have been like him go home within the first month. I know it sounds bad as he's obviously got problems at home etc but I don't think I can cope with him for much longer. He makes me want to pull my hair out. There's one other boy who also starts crying at random times like when we were doing drawings of their holidays, during mealtimes etc. Unfortunately he's my favourite new boy so it's so upsetting seeing him like this and when I've spoken to him he just says 'I just really want to go home to my mum'. He's such a lovely kid though. He helps when asked, does as he's told, giggles a lot and is just chubby and adorable. As for the other boys I'm not sure what to think really. I think the fact that since last Saturday the hermanas and I have been working from 6am until 8pm without a break due to the boys not starting school yet, it's not helping at all. Every day I've been more tired than the last and I know that my views of the boys would be different if I wasn't so tired but right now, every little thing annoys me. I'm at the stage for the first time since arriving that I just want to go home to England. It's not even because I'm homesick, just that I miss silence, personal space, being able to do what I want and sleep past 6am, not being so tired that I'm in bed and asleep by 8.30pm every night, and using my Saturday off to do something for me, rather than absolutely nothing because I'm too tired to go anywhere. And the most depressing thing is that this cycle is going to continue until March 5th when finally the boys start school and we should get from 8am until 1pm off again every day. I don't want to wish the time away but that's all I want right now. Then maybe I can start making proper relationships with the boys.

Another thing that's making it a bit more stressful is that since the holidays I have spoken to the 3 women I work with to say that I want things like my own week of servicio (setting up meals etc) so that the boys would see me more as a tutora than a volunteer and therefore gain a bit more respect. So we've agreed that now I'm supposedly 100% a tutora. So I have my own week of servicio, I now rotate in the cleaning schedule, I get my own grade of boys to work with when they start school, i.e. make sure they finish their homework, mark their work, check their books and sign their planners etc. The only downside to this is that their agreement was that it is only fair that if I'm a tutora, I should have the same time off as them which is one day a week rather than two. So now I have Saturday's off but I'm back to work Sundays, which seen as today is Saturday, is a really depressing thought that I'm working tomorrow at 6.30am again. I understand that it's more fair with regards to my house situation but it means that I have less time off that the other volunteers and I also still won't gain full respect from the kids as I don't speak good enough Spanish and they know that I'm leaving in June. But honestly, I think our house is going to fall apart later on in the year as I'm leaving in June, Marisol will be leaving sometime around July, Elsa is going to see if she can swap to San Antonio where she worked before so that will just leave Maribel with around 30 kids. So being a 'full tutora' now also makes me feel too guilty to ask them for an hours break now and then during the week as they don't get any time off and haven't even taken their day off this week. So my last 7 days have been spent with the boys cleaning the house everyday and attempting to get Gabriel (the boy who just wants to leave) to help out, playing mata gente (translates to 'Kill People' but is actually just dodge ball), supervising them playing outside after Tuesday as I'd run out of energy to play with them, trying to resolve fights and arguments when I'm too tired to understand who's actually to blame, sitting with them as they copy out of the dictionary for 4 hours (apparently they needed to learn how to write quickly for when they go back to school), sit with them whilst they draw what they did in the holidays, shower them and set up for all the meals. I just want March 5th already.

So yeah, sorry about the depressing blog but I'm not feeling being here right now. Give it 3 weeks and hopefully I'll have a really up beat blog not understanding why I was complaining so much in this one.

Chau for now,
Evie x